ENTRY I

It’s hard to look at the rolling golden hills and not feel small. Not small in a bad way but in the way that everything is proportioned the way it should be, no dramatized problems left or nagging thoughts in the back of my mind. Just pure gold. Gold in the swaying, brittle grass that adorns with its whispers of songs likening to unity and serene contemplation, gold in the ideas that seem to flow, as you’d expect a pristine, untouched stream. Untouched, that’s the key word. Up here away far enough to feel siloed yet not so removed nothing seems tangible or relevant. It’s like taking a bird’s eye view of your reality. You are then able to see things for what they really are, what they’re not and what they will never be. 

As the speckled, twitchy lizards hide away under the scattered rocks, you hear them scurry and imagine it’s your problems parting ways with you. It’s truly freeing to feel alone but close to your life you’ve built, it’s necessary for adequate thinking space. From up high you perch taking in the perpetual flow of air only afforded to high up places. You feel fine for once in your life. You know when you climb down the hill and leave your spot of tranquility, a rush of your reality will meet you. It will demand your attention as you drive away, back to the real and now. Normally, this would feel insurmountably taxing, if not for your renewed spirit. It’s as if you place a part of your soul in the earth, trees, rocks, life of the woods, you may leave but you carry the connection with you like invisible strings tied to your chest reaching back no matter the distance, never severed. Such a bond could be considered innate, yet you count it as a gift you nourish, never taking for granted the healing and refreshment it provides. It sustains you. 

You wonder how others feel, the ones who do not have this relation, gift. You try to imagine what else could take its hefty place. You digress and refocus on your wellbeing. Fore to aid others, you must first be able and replenished. You reflect on your impact, choices, mistakes, insecurities, strengths, you decide to forgive yourself and understand to live this life you must not be or strive to be perfect. Feel what you feel, express in the way you see fit, and love however you can. It’s not about succeeding in all you attempt, it’s about repeatedly starting again and refusing to stop simply because others, the world are telling you to. 

You don’t have it all figured out, you never will but you damn sure will learn something every day if you open yourself up to it. Don’t fear what you don’t know, you can safeguard your heart but be true to it all the while. Believe what it tells you even if your head says otherwise. It’s one thing to heed logic, it’s quite another to disconnect from your heart and soul. Depart, go forth, be as you are and become who you want to be, look back when desired, reach forward into the future, yet remain firmly, consciously in your present. Bask in its infinite possibility and potential. Understand that this truly where the magic happens, the sweet spot of human existence.

ENTRY II

Like a bludgeoned, storm torn canopy, a heavy heart doesn’t heal so quickly, it doesn’t find solace in the things that other hearts do. It doesn’t forget or let go, it remembers fondly and holds on even when the pain is sharp and never ending. It’s not that the heavy heart is unintelligible or dull, it’s just too big and open to close off once it has made the choice to love. The heavy heart is full of love and takes it everyway but lightly. It doesn’t always get the recognition or reciprocity it may deserve, but that doesn’t change anything. The ones let in that leave, they are thoroughly missed. The ones that stay, they are thoroughly appreciated. The ones that choose to come back, those are the ones in need. The heavy heart has to decide to help or to flee the scene. The truest nature comes forth; the ability to sacrifice its own sanctity becomes apparent. Is this selfless or self-destruction at its finest? Like most things, it depends upon your lens. The bearer of the heavy heart must make that judgment, knowing each time a little less left behind, the reservoir depleted. Is it worth it? Is it the natural choice? Like the recovering branches and blanched vegetation under the cratered out space that used to be teeming with lush life, the heavy heart recovers sempiternally. There is no option but to progress away from the isolated tragedy and amorphous circumstances faced.

ENTRY III

Piece by piece,

They take away.

The peace you built,

No recollection of tumultuous overture.

Like a symphony with no conductor,

The swirl of mystery and grandeur.

You reach out for love,

You feel nothing.

Not even a tingle from above.

You go day by day,

Cursing the ache that stays.

A moment lost in time,

You count it twice and call it divine.

A week, a month, no matter.

 No more hearts do patter.

 Light fades to a shade of cinder,

 Not an ounce of splendor.

 You wander wildly about your intent,

 Left nowhere you decide to repent.

 The sins not yours,

 But no mind paid regardless.

 The loud empty hollow,

 It’s no longer even easy to swallow.

 Nights go on but you don’t

 You struggle to move an inch,

 Wondering what’s being missed.

 You let the pain creep in,

 You resolve to start again.

ENTRY IV

The cracks and crumbles of what once was.

Decades past with familiarity with many.

All the same, passing as they may,

No one lingering ever considering to stay.

Life screams to the left and right,

Roaring aloud with its diverse might.

The way it creaks under the tread,

Weary with use and blatant disregard.

A peculiar fortitude is there,

Although it persists with little to no care,

With each scorching, insufferable day, The entity dissipates other’s dismay.

 The one who strolls to forget,

 The one who runs to escape,

 The one who strides to decompress,

 The one who walks for the sheer pleasure of it.

 The one who shows up simply to try to keep 

 moving and alive.

 They all have their reasons and needs,

 But they differ none in how they proceed.

 Day in and day out they step out,

 To feel the wind and space,

 To let go of what they cannot change.

 Fleeing the entrapment and mental walls,

 Avoiding those nagging beckon calls.

 You pass with no thought,

 Never realizing the freedom each has bought.

 Waiting to see you another day,

 Never twice the exact same way. 

ENTRY V

The beauty rolls in and out,

Thunderously announcing itself.

It pays no mind to the sediment breaking its waves.

It perpetuates the strength

But also quiets the arrogance.

It sees no limit or barrier to its glory,

It feels no strife or ill will to its surroundings.

It only lashes out to take up its deserved space among the beautiful things.

The grey vastness that may lie behind its proposed face to the world,

Is succumbed to turbulent introspection.

Though not violent or dark,

It speaks the complexity of an objectified being.

Upon a gaze you see its beauty and intricate nature.

You look wondrously and deeply.

You are blind to its worth.

ENTRY VI

Like the green lush on a redwood,

We reach for the light.

Its promise, warmth, comfort,

Directs our gaze and grasp.

Its continuing act with no ending,

We get too close, too immersed,

We recoil into the dark to cool.

Only we realize, stay too long in the dark,

Lose sight of the light.

There’s a reason life grows below the canopy in the spots of sunlight that have broken through.

Go to the forest to find the simplicity of living and breathing.

Enjoy the shadow of the tall trees in all their glory,

Relish in your emergence out of the brush and into the light.

Feel the contrast and know that the light and the dark are the oldest story.

Remember one does not exist without the other.

ENTRY VII

To nourish the soul,

One must look upon a pile of sand.

Like a million souls stuck together,

The beach is made by these minuscule puzzle pieces.

One only need inspect closer to see the discrimination of material.

Looking inward to your life source,

You will see a million miniscule particles.

You have to be able to look beyond in a meta sense of familiarity.

If you can do this, you can see the sum,

The entirety of what and who you are.

You are a million different things,

You are malleable but irreverent in your purpose.

Remember to tend yourself if you seek to remain whole.

Summation needs parts, there is no such thing as truly miniscule.

ENTRY VIII

To learn something about presence, go climb a cow-covered mountain. Notice the way you heave and struggle to keep going, feeling every muscle twinge with the challenge of seeking the summit. Take in the dusty air that continually kicks up under your feet and catches on the breeze, forming some resemblance of a man made dirt devil. As you look forward to the unseen triumph, you imagine it glorious, an oasis of long awaited rest and accomplishment. While you formalize your victory in your head, you start to uncomplicate the journey. You notice a black blob of a cow nearly a league above you, strolling its graze land with no effort at all. You take note of the empty, contented look upon its face and overall demeanor. It simply maneuvers the open earth of the mountainside, no premeditation, no end goal. You heed the chunky elegance this living, breathing machine seems to behold. In doing so, you realize something. Strip away the ego, the ambition, the over analytic MO and true joy and presence is suddenly enabled. You watch a dragonfly, effervescent and striking blue in color hover above the water trough. The wings busy to the point of exhaustion, then you realize it’s not exhaustion at all. It’s true nature and alignment at its best, being authentic biologically, uniquely, presently. It is not about the search for what is out there; it is about the glance within that tells all. What lies within, is what should be projected out. Being perfectly in harmony with who you are is such a beauty of ease and brilliance; one should not overlook its splendor and comfort.

 ENTRY IX

To sit at a crossroads looks nothing like how they would lead you to believe. It’s not a “T” in the road, a lifetime summation moment hinging on a choice point. It’s more of a quiet whisper carried along blades of grass, trees, and vessels of water, following you wherever you may go. You don’t really hear it, see it , feel it, it’s a slow build turned slow burn until you can no longer cling to your falling away platform. What started off so subtle begins to blare. You jump looking up and only look down once you feel Earth below again. But now the Earth feels different, the air raucous, the sounds incessantly captivating to the extreme of overwhelm. It’s like a new refractory period where you’re trying to restlessly take root and adjust. Each and every day it gets easier, more predictable, but also more uncertain; there’s more yearning for what’s next. This is life. You can let this sensation drive you mental with doubt, anxiety, hesitation, or you can let it drive you absolutely bonkers with passion, curiosity, love for living the life given, remembering each pressing second draws us nearer death but more beautifully to knowing ourselves and appreciating all the lovely people, places, things.